Why I cannot Pray

I think I’ve got the spirit of Thanksgiving, but certainly not the motivation  to pray.

Even Giving Thanks.. seems to baffle me. I don’t know why I’m doing it.

Giving Thanks

I find myself muttering ‘Thank you’ throughout the day. A feeling of gratitude settles comfortably over me. I can almost imagine God looking down at me and feeling pleased that I thank him for the littlest of things. But, is that really the case?

Do I feel the need to be thankful because…. I have something more or am better than someone else? 

If that is why I am giving thanks, I’m a twisted and sick person, rejoicing at the expanse of the misery of others.

The Concept of God

Let’s first clarify the concept of God- what I make of God to be. I’m not really sure about who or what God is like. I used to think I knew everything.

I identified very much with the Humility of Christ but now, I’m confused. Yes, I’m a sinner but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to be ‘saved’. The different branches of Christianity fighting against Catholicism confuses the heck out of me and really agitates me.

Besides, is Predestination true? Are some people chosen by God from birth, to be ‘saved’ and others not? If that is the case, then that’s unfair. You can tell me that my finite mind cannot comprehend the essence of something infinite. Yes, you’re right. I just… can’t.

Also, I’ve experienced proof of other spiritual beings and live in a pagan household where God manifests in the form of many other Gods and is worshipped in his different forms.

Praying

So, I wake up in the morning and say thank you to…. ‘something higher up there’ for being alive.

Sometimes, I feel compelled to pray for fear that God might forsake me in my times of need.

I feel the need to pray for fear that something terrible will happen and the fact that I might have no strength in me to handle it. 

When others suffer and I do too, I pray for a remedy and for mercy. 

I question my tainted intentions for praying and feel shameful about them. In turn, I try to correct myself and pray for the reason of simply loving God. But, this God is hard to love. I cannot understand him. Am I fighting hard enough to find the answers or am I dangerously ignorant?

Certainty

One thing I do know for sure is that a Spiritual world exists and that dark forces are an entity in a world we cannot see.

I’m sure that all through my life, something has been out there, protecting me.

If there is darkness, there must surely be light. Who is the Source of Light?

I see God as the Source of Light but who God is… I don’t know yet.

Featured image: http://sites.nd.edu/oblation/tag/prayer-shaming/

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